Thursday, December 26, 2013
I bid you farewell my love
I bid you goodbye and farewell for now, my love. May you always be under Allah's guide and blessing. Take care sayang.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
world trade center
had a weird and mindboggling dream the other day. somehow i was on a trip to new york. so i went to visit the 9/11 memorial. and what i visualised was a very high, immensely lit ceiling with Sistine Chapel-like paintings. immediately i woke up, wondering what i had been watching or reading before i went to sleep. and i've never been to sistine chapel.
Stroke
On the 6th of November, my father complained of weakness on his left leg. He could not move it. I was preparing to go back to Kuantan, and the sight of him dragging the leg when he tried to walk made me worry that he might have had a stroke. He refused to be taken to the hospital at first, but then he relented.
To cut a long medical diagnostics story short, he did have a stroke. The scan showed multifocal infarcts, meaning that the blockage causing the stroke happened at several places in his brain. In addition to the weakness, it was found that his balance was affected as well.
And so physiotherapy started. He still can't walk. He is dependent on his Luggie scooter, wheelchair and four legged walking stick. The scooter weighs more than 20kg, and true to its name, it had to be lugged into and out of the carboot everytime my father goes out of the house. Much needed weight-lifting exercise for me, although I didn't lose a gram of my weight at all :p.
Two days ago, we met his cardiologist. He advised on the possibility of stroke happening again, and its debilitating effects as well as other effects on the sufferer and his/her family members. One thing that he said was that, once someone is debilitated, the family members will surely be affected. The family members will of course take care of the patient out of responsibility and love, however, the doctor will ask the patient to please please take care of him/herself and please please try and lower the risk of getting oneself another stroke. And then the doctor referred my father to the anti-smoking clinic....
But yes, stroke, however mild, does have big effects on the sufferer and the family members. My father is frustrated and gets angry oh so easily. My mother is emotionally high-strung after being the receiving end of my father's anger. The children, including me, are affected from being the mediators, the ones who had to listen to all the disparaging remarks. No one was happy for a while. No one was talking to anyone. Everybody was tired and easily irritated, physically and mentally. It wasn't so much the physical drain as the emotional one - you would sleep and you would wake up sort of energised; but somehow looking at everybody's unsmiling faces makes me weary again. And it wasn't just the family members; somehow this misfortune has put a strain on my relationship, too.
So, there they were, some of the effects of stroke. Things are hopefully getting better now.
And my dear, if you are reading this, please know that I love you very much. I do not want you to be incapacitated from stroke or from any other disease for that matter. If it does happen, you know I will take care of you, but before it happens, let's do our best in preventing it from happening.
To cut a long medical diagnostics story short, he did have a stroke. The scan showed multifocal infarcts, meaning that the blockage causing the stroke happened at several places in his brain. In addition to the weakness, it was found that his balance was affected as well.
And so physiotherapy started. He still can't walk. He is dependent on his Luggie scooter, wheelchair and four legged walking stick. The scooter weighs more than 20kg, and true to its name, it had to be lugged into and out of the carboot everytime my father goes out of the house. Much needed weight-lifting exercise for me, although I didn't lose a gram of my weight at all :p.
Two days ago, we met his cardiologist. He advised on the possibility of stroke happening again, and its debilitating effects as well as other effects on the sufferer and his/her family members. One thing that he said was that, once someone is debilitated, the family members will surely be affected. The family members will of course take care of the patient out of responsibility and love, however, the doctor will ask the patient to please please take care of him/herself and please please try and lower the risk of getting oneself another stroke. And then the doctor referred my father to the anti-smoking clinic....
But yes, stroke, however mild, does have big effects on the sufferer and the family members. My father is frustrated and gets angry oh so easily. My mother is emotionally high-strung after being the receiving end of my father's anger. The children, including me, are affected from being the mediators, the ones who had to listen to all the disparaging remarks. No one was happy for a while. No one was talking to anyone. Everybody was tired and easily irritated, physically and mentally. It wasn't so much the physical drain as the emotional one - you would sleep and you would wake up sort of energised; but somehow looking at everybody's unsmiling faces makes me weary again. And it wasn't just the family members; somehow this misfortune has put a strain on my relationship, too.
So, there they were, some of the effects of stroke. Things are hopefully getting better now.
And my dear, if you are reading this, please know that I love you very much. I do not want you to be incapacitated from stroke or from any other disease for that matter. If it does happen, you know I will take care of you, but before it happens, let's do our best in preventing it from happening.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
asslee bendover
Asslee Bendover is my pornstar name, or so it says on every post here (or at least when I access them through the mobile). Perhaps I can make it a bit more Malay and change the name to Assleena.
let go
there comes a time for you to let go of someone or something. it can be food that has reached its expiry date, a favourite piece of clothing that has been worn till it is threadbare. it is sad to let go, but, for most of the time, it is the best thing to do.
Sunday, October 06, 2013
Topsy turvy
My life is tumbling topsy turvy these past few weeks. I feel like I am lost in all aspects of my life. I've lost the momentum, I have lost the motivation to go forward. I feel empty, for want of a better word. The best description that I can think of is that I feel like a shrinking hermit crab, fearing that soon, all that is left of me is my dull shell.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
big mug!
One big mug of Vico after the nap. Got the mug from SportsDirect.com. Suitable for dehydrated days.
Also my late lunch for today: Baked sweet chili salmon with tomato and mozzarella ravioli in tomato. Huge slab of salmon, I need to clear the freezer :p
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
To make you feel my love
Just finished watching Hope Floats (Sandra Bullock, Harry Connick Jr.). The film has one of my most-loved song - To Make You Feel My Love.
Written by Bob Dylan, originally sung by Billy Joel. But Dylan's version wasn't bad. Love the guitar play; wish I was sitting in some dark lounge listening to this:
And Billy Joel's version (I don't know why, but the drums/percussion almost made me cry :'( ):
Enjoy
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Now, something a little more upbeat from the great Stevie Wonder. I should learn the dance steps of those girls :)
***************************************************************
Now, something a little more upbeat from the great Stevie Wonder. I should learn the dance steps of those girls :)
Monday, May 13, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Good news
InsyaAllah, in another 7 months, I'm going to have another niece/nephew. Alhamdulillah :)
I pray to Allah that one day I will have children of my own.
"For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." (Al-Insyirah, 5-6)
I pray to Allah that one day I will have children of my own.
"For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." (Al-Insyirah, 5-6)
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
A monologue
I wish I could take you around where I live.
Eat the red strawberries.
Taste the tart plums.
Enjoy the sweet cherries.
Bathe in the rare sun.
Cuddle when the chill's come.
See the white when it snows,
and see the green when the leaf grows.
Eat the red strawberries.
Taste the tart plums.
Enjoy the sweet cherries.
Bathe in the rare sun.
Cuddle when the chill's come.
See the white when it snows,
and see the green when the leaf grows.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Naik pelamin
Saya berumur 37 tahun dan masih belum berkahwin. Jodoh saya masih belum sampai. Atau mungkin saya memilih. Atau mungkin saya takut akan komitmen.
Sepanjang hidup saya, ada yang pernah ajak saya kahwin/bertunang. Yang pertama, saya diajak kahwin melalui telefon. Kawan lama, tapi bukan kekasih. Saya bingung, takut dan saya katakan tidak kepadanya, bersama pelbagai alasan. Saya di luar negara ketika itu. Dan saya tidak melakukan solat istikharah kerana saya masih jahil. Bila dia berkahwin dengan orang lain, ada sedikit penyesalan. Namun saya padamkan, dan yakinkan diri dia bukan jodoh saya.
Kali kedua saya diajak kahwin (walaupun dia tak mengatakan 'kahwin' per se), saya sudah pulang ke tanahair. Juga bukan kekasih, tapi teman rapat. Juga melalui telefon. Saya minta seminggu untuk berfikir. Dia telefon semula selepas seminggu, dan saya menjawabnya dengan ketawa. Dia anggap saya main-main. Dan kemudian dia katakan sesuatu yang menyinggung perasaan saya. Dan buat kali kedua, lamaran yang saya terima tak menjadi kenyataan.
Kali ketiga saya diajak bertunang oleh kekasih. Kali ini bukan melalui telefon. Kami pergi cari cincin. Dia tunjukkan cincin kepada maknya. Saya teruja, lalu memulakan persiapan, membeli itu ini. Tapi ada tentangan keluarga, dan kesudahannya saya dapat tahu yang dia pun bukanlah orang yang baik dan setia.
Kali keempat, saya diajak berkahwin lagi. Saya setuju. Lagi sekali saya lakukan persiapan. Hingga pelamin pun sudah ditempah. Namun bak kata pepatah, kita hanya merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. Rancangan terhenti di tengah jalan. Barang persiapan saya simpan dalam almari dan ada daripadanya saya gunakan kerana takut usang. Kain baju pengantin saya balut dan simpan dalam laci. Tempahan pelamin saya batalkan. Tempahan dewan dan jurunikah mak saya tolong batalkan.
Saya masih menaruh harapan untuk mendirikan rumahtangga. Saya masih berdoa akan ada jodoh yang baik buat saya. Saya masih mahu hidup berkeluarga. Tapi bak kata Hetty Koes Endang, 'luka makin dalam, hati ini hancur jadi debu....aku manusia, gagal menghapus kenangan lama'. Saya jadi takut dan malu untuk memulakan langkah.
Kepada jejaka yang ingin melamar saya, jika awak baca catatan ini, percayalah, saya mahu mendirikan rumahtangga dan keluarga dengan awak. Cuma saya minta awak memahami mengapa saya begini. Mengapa saya tak bertanyakan perihal nikah kahwin. Mengapa, jika bukan awak yang membangkitkan isu ini, saya akan terus-terusan mendiamkan diri. Saya pinta, bawalah saya. Ajaklah saya. Kerana saya tak berani bersuara.
Sepanjang hidup saya, ada yang pernah ajak saya kahwin/bertunang. Yang pertama, saya diajak kahwin melalui telefon. Kawan lama, tapi bukan kekasih. Saya bingung, takut dan saya katakan tidak kepadanya, bersama pelbagai alasan. Saya di luar negara ketika itu. Dan saya tidak melakukan solat istikharah kerana saya masih jahil. Bila dia berkahwin dengan orang lain, ada sedikit penyesalan. Namun saya padamkan, dan yakinkan diri dia bukan jodoh saya.
Kali kedua saya diajak kahwin (walaupun dia tak mengatakan 'kahwin' per se), saya sudah pulang ke tanahair. Juga bukan kekasih, tapi teman rapat. Juga melalui telefon. Saya minta seminggu untuk berfikir. Dia telefon semula selepas seminggu, dan saya menjawabnya dengan ketawa. Dia anggap saya main-main. Dan kemudian dia katakan sesuatu yang menyinggung perasaan saya. Dan buat kali kedua, lamaran yang saya terima tak menjadi kenyataan.
Kali ketiga saya diajak bertunang oleh kekasih. Kali ini bukan melalui telefon. Kami pergi cari cincin. Dia tunjukkan cincin kepada maknya. Saya teruja, lalu memulakan persiapan, membeli itu ini. Tapi ada tentangan keluarga, dan kesudahannya saya dapat tahu yang dia pun bukanlah orang yang baik dan setia.
Kali keempat, saya diajak berkahwin lagi. Saya setuju. Lagi sekali saya lakukan persiapan. Hingga pelamin pun sudah ditempah. Namun bak kata pepatah, kita hanya merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan. Rancangan terhenti di tengah jalan. Barang persiapan saya simpan dalam almari dan ada daripadanya saya gunakan kerana takut usang. Kain baju pengantin saya balut dan simpan dalam laci. Tempahan pelamin saya batalkan. Tempahan dewan dan jurunikah mak saya tolong batalkan.
Saya masih menaruh harapan untuk mendirikan rumahtangga. Saya masih berdoa akan ada jodoh yang baik buat saya. Saya masih mahu hidup berkeluarga. Tapi bak kata Hetty Koes Endang, 'luka makin dalam, hati ini hancur jadi debu....aku manusia, gagal menghapus kenangan lama'. Saya jadi takut dan malu untuk memulakan langkah.
Kepada jejaka yang ingin melamar saya, jika awak baca catatan ini, percayalah, saya mahu mendirikan rumahtangga dan keluarga dengan awak. Cuma saya minta awak memahami mengapa saya begini. Mengapa saya tak bertanyakan perihal nikah kahwin. Mengapa, jika bukan awak yang membangkitkan isu ini, saya akan terus-terusan mendiamkan diri. Saya pinta, bawalah saya. Ajaklah saya. Kerana saya tak berani bersuara.
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