Cikgu Faridah

Cikgu Faridah was my Bahasa Melayu teacher when I was in Standard 5 (and maybe 6). I was close to her because she was my tutor. My mother was worried about my performance in my studies - I was a last-minute-study kind of pupil, and still is - she began sending me for tuition when I was in Standard 4.
Cikgu Faridah held her tuition classes at home. Because I went to the morning schooling session, I had to go for tuition in the afternoon. There were about 6-7 of us in that class. All I remember about the classes was that we took turns to bring food, simple snacks like jemput-jemput or sticks of sugarcane.
My mother became close to Cikgu Faridah and the mom of one of the fellow student. I guess them being Orang Semenanjung living in Sabah made them good friends with each other.
Cikgu Faridah went back to Semenanjung to teach when I was in Form 1. There was no internet at that time, no emails, no Facebook, at least not where I lived, so you either write or telephone to make contact. As time went by, I heard less and less of Cikgu Faridah, and the last news I heard was that she moved to Japan to work.
Recently, a fellow ex-tutee added me as his friends on Facebook, and I was reminded of Cikgu Faridah. A bit of Google search brought me to  her webpage, and so I wrote a message to her. She is still in Japan, teaching. She asked me how many kids do I have now, and when she got to know that I am still single, she wrote, 'Cari life partner penting, ya Kusut dan Jiwang'! I would expect more interesting from her from now on...

The Story of Us

I met him a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I met him at our new school in Cheras. I was recently transferred from my hometown in Sabah, and was about to start a new life living in a boarding school, away from my family.

After all the introductions and orientations, we finally get to settle in our class. It turned our that he was my classmate, and was sitting behind me. I get to learn his name, and his name is A. He was probably the most good looking person among us.

Together with our desk-mates, we became quite close-knit. I had a little crush on A's deskmate, which didn't go anywhere. But somehow I felt closer to A and his quirky ways.

Muffin for kusut days

A new recipe. Was not taken from anywhere. I happen to have a good basic muffin recipe, and I found it very flexible - just add anything you like to flavour the muffins with, bananas, chocolate, blueberries etc. Find the recipe here.

I miss you

very much.

Struck by a name

Have you ever felt stricken seeing someone's name pop up before your eyes? Felt that blood somehow drained off your face for a second, your heartbeat got a little bit faster than normal? And you're left wondering whether that meant something, because somehow all the emotions that you tried to rein let themselves loose?

The days are getting shorter

Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night. - William Blake

It is approaching winter now. The temperature has yet to be freezing, alhamdulillah, but the days are getting shorter. The Daylight Saving Time has ended, and now the sun sets at 4.40 pm.


As night time approaches, you can't help thinking that it is time for rest and slumber. As soon as it becomes dark, your body just wants to slow down, your tummy just starts to rumble, and all you'd want to do is have your dinner and sleep. And that is exactly what I do...

Elvis Presley last song ever 1977

I was listening to this while doing a bit of writing. Funny the way Elvis mumbled his way through the song :D

Surah Al-Insyirah - سورة الشرح (Kelapangan)

A very thoughtful ustazah advised me to recite this Surah whenever I felt confused, sad and down. I looked for the translation, and here it is:

Al-Quranul Karim: 094 - سورة الشرح (Kelapangan)

PUTRA - cinta kain putih

Currently on SuriaFM online. Terus rasa kusut dan jiwang. Why la semua lagu-lagu yang mendatangkan nostalgia ni?

Cerita sedih

Berita sedih dari kebun hari ini :(. Sekor anak kerbau mati terlilit, tercekik agaknya. Mak cerita orang tengah nak korek tanah & tanam anak kerbau. Hati sedih bertambah hiba pulak; terus kata kat mak nak telefon kemudian. Mana tau ternangis pulak nanti. Sambung perjalanan di tepi sungai, diiringi itik dan angsa yang mengharap sedikit habuan.

Sungai Soar

Itik tunggu makanan

Distraction

I need distraction. Something to take me away from thinking about all the could-haves, should-haves, what-ifs and, most importantly, him.

And there are only so much you can do to distract yourself. Sooner or later the thoughts will come back, and you will have to go through the process of understanding the concept of fate and destiny again.

I just want him to know that I am not running away. I was just too slow to understand his need to be alone; even now I could not understand it fully. And now I am staying away, and praying that somehow, at some point in the future, our lives will cross each other, and even, if i dare to hope, entwine.

The wheels are in motion

Today I cancelled an important booking for a supposedly important event; something I've been procrastinating on. One down, two more to go. Hoping that by the end of this exercise, God will grant me a clear mind and a bit of peace and tranquility, insyaAllah.

Hit

Was surfing Facebook when I came across a photo of him. Was hit by a sudden realisation that, after all the angry words we exchanged with each other, I really am in love with him.

I am turning soppy.

Meaningful things

Everybody has at least one. Be it a favourite shirt, an heirloom ring, the entrance ticket to the Louvre. Everybody has at least an item that they would consider as memorable, a piece of memorabilia never to be given to anybody else as it carries a significant story of that person's life.

Short of being a hoarder, I am that sort of person that collects those items. I keep meaningful ticket stubs - movie tickets, flight tickets, museum and zoo tickets... I keep bottles of perfume that were given to me as a present, workbooks from secondary school classes, novels that I couldn't put down when I read them.

Now I have a few items that perhaps have lost their purpose, but they carry so much meaning for me that they become a part of my life, and represent a story of me, a story that contains both joy and sorrow. To give them away would mean giving a part of me away, and deny myself that story, and I am not ready to do that. All I can do is pray that they regain their purpose again.

Air

No more tears to shed. I am done being hopeful. Life goes on, and hopefully (ha!) wounds heal over time.

Until then, life will sound like this song:

What these past 2 months taught me

I came back to Malaysia to avoid fasting in long summer days, as well as hoping that I would be a changed person by the time I'm back in the old Blighty.

I got both wishes.

I got to spend Ramadhan with family and friends. And I got to learn a bit more about me.

As much as I think myself as spontaneous, I realise that is not the case. I do plan, and I do want to stick to my plan.

As much as I think myself as someone with patience, I learn that impatience is one of my baneful vice.

So, yes, I got what I wished for. I think I am a different person from what I was two months ago.

I feel empty...

...and I feel lost.

5th day

I am still holding on. We are still not talking properly. I have too many thoughts in my mind. Too many maybes, too many what-ifs. To quote a friend, I'm in a 'checkmate' position - unable to decide anything.

One thing I can do - leave everything to God. May God help me.

Song du jour?