Tentang Majnun, Romeo, Tuah et al.

My heart has been broken...

2012-02-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

...twice. I have a feeling that it is going to be broken for the third time soon. With every break, comes hurt and pain. It eventually heals, and yet it leaves a scar. There's also a bitter aftertaste, and the taste lingers for quite some time, taking away a bit of the sweetness life then throws at you.

Current read – Man and Wife, Tony Parsons

2012-01-31T21:25:00.000+08:00

I am currently reading a book by Tony Parsons called Man and Wife. The title (as well as the author) has caught my eye many, many times before, but only recently did I get to pick up enough courage to read it.

There’s another reason of choosing the book as well. Someone I love is probably going through some of the situations the main character of the book was going through. I will not be able to understand that someone fully just by reading this, but hopefully I can gain some insights from the book. It may sound too optimistic to put such a responsibility on a small novel, but to me there’s no harm in trying.

Finished the book. Couldn't put it down, really. It helped me understand some of the things my 'someone' is going through, and some possible reasons why he did what he did. Would strongly recommend it to anybody who is considering a relationship with a married/divorced man/woman; the stories in the novel could prepare you of things that may come your way.

Bila kusut mencari...

2012-01-17T15:22:00.001+08:00

...kena selalu membaca artikel sebegini:

Jodoh: Mencari atau Menunggu | iluvislam.com + discover the beauty of islam

Hidup ini penuh ujian

2012-01-17T14:21:00.001+08:00

Saya seorang yang lemah. Semua kekuatan yang saya tunjukkan selalunya bukanlah kekuatan sebenar tetapi kekuatan yang saya ambil dari sumber lain, orang lain, selain yang dianugerahkan oleh Allah pada masa itu.

Saya tidak tahan diuji, apatah lagi jika ujian itu melibatkan orang-orang yang saya sayangi. Mungkin saya tunjukkan wajah dan mengeluarkan kata-kata berani, tetapi di dalam hati saya tetap calar balar. Dan jika hati itu terus terusan cedera, saya risau lama kelamaan ianya menjadi keras, sama seperti kulit yang pernah ditoreh dan kemudian berbekas. Saya risau lama kelamaan saya kehilangan jiwa.

Oleh itu, sebelum hati saya berbekas dengan luka-luka, saya cuba elakkan ianya cedera. Mungkin itu bunyinya seperti orang pengecut, orang yang lari dari masalah, tapi kekuatan saya ada batasnya. Saya tahu saya seorang yang lemah.

Cintamu bagai cahaya mentari yang membakar wajahku. Meskipun sekilas kurasakan, namun akan menjadi bekal hingga akhir zaman.

Cikgu Faridah

2011-11-19T06:41:00.000+08:00

Cikgu Faridah was my Bahasa Melayu teacher when I was in Standard 5 (and maybe 6). I was close to her because she was my tutor. My mother was worried about my performance in my studies - I was a last-minute-study kind of pupil, and still is - she began sending me for tuition when I was in Standard 4.
Cikgu Faridah held her tuition classes at home. Because I went to the morning schooling session, I had to go for tuition in the afternoon. There were about 6-7 of us in that class. All I remember about the classes was that we took turns to bring food, simple snacks like jemput-jemput or sticks of sugarcane.
My mother became close to Cikgu Faridah and the mom of one of the fellow student. I guess them being Orang Semenanjung living in Sabah made them good friends with each other.
Cikgu Faridah went back to Semenanjung to teach when I was in Form 1. There was no internet at that time, no emails, no Facebook, at least not where I lived, so you either write or telephone to make contact. As time went by, I heard less and less of Cikgu Faridah, and the last news I heard was that she moved to Japan to work.
Recently, a fellow ex-tutee added me as his friends on Facebook, and I was reminded of Cikgu Faridah. A bit of Google search brought me to her webpage, and so I wrote a message to her. She is still in Japan, teaching. She asked me how many kids do I have now, and when she got to know that I am still single, she wrote, 'Cari life partner penting, ya Kusut dan Jiwang'! I would expect more interesting from her from now on...

The Story of Us

2011-11-18T01:41:00.000+08:00

I met him a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I met him at our new school in Cheras. I was recently transferred from my hometown in Sabah, and was about to start a new life living in a boarding school, away from my family.

After all the introductions and orientations, we finally get to settle in our class. It turned our that he was my classmate, and was sitting behind me. I get to learn his name, and his name is A. He was probably the most good looking person among us.

Together with our desk-mates, we became quite close-knit. I had a little crush on A's deskmate, which didn't go anywhere. But somehow I felt closer to A and his quirky ways.

Muffin for kusut days

2011-11-11T19:23:00.001+08:00

A new recipe. Was not taken from anywhere. I happen to have a good basic muffin recipe, and I found it very flexible - just add anything you like to flavour the muffins with, bananas, chocolate, blueberries etc. Find the recipe here.

I miss you

2011-11-10T21:10:00.003+08:00

very much.

Struck by a name

2011-10-31T03:44:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt stricken seeing someone's name pop up before your eyes? Felt that blood somehow drained off your face for a second, your heartbeat got a little bit faster than normal? And you're left wondering whether that meant something, because somehow all the emotions that you tried to rein let themselves loose?

The days are getting shorter

2011-10-31T01:46:00.001+08:00

Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night. - William Blake

It is approaching winter now. The temperature has yet to be freezing, alhamdulillah, but the days are getting shorter. The Daylight Saving Time has ended, and now the sun sets at 4.40 pm.

As night time approaches, you can't help thinking that it is time for rest and slumber. As soon as it becomes dark, your body just wants to slow down, your tummy just starts to rumble, and all you'd want to do is have your dinner and sleep. And that is exactly what I do...

Elvis Presley last song ever 1977

2011-10-26T00:40:00.000+08:00

I was listening to this while doing a bit of writing. Funny the way Elvis mumbled his way through the song :D

Surah Al-Insyirah - سورة الشرح (Kelapangan)

2011-10-19T23:14:00.001+08:00

A very thoughtful ustazah advised me to recite this Surah whenever I felt confused, sad and down. I looked for the translation, and here it is:

Al-Quranul Karim: 094 - سورة الشرح (Kelapangan)

PUTRA - cinta kain putih

2011-10-17T19:32:00.000+08:00

Currently on SuriaFM online. Terus rasa kusut dan jiwang. Why la semua lagu-lagu yang mendatangkan nostalgia ni?

Cerita sedih

2011-10-17T00:07:00.001+08:00

Berita sedih dari kebun hari ini :(. Sekor anak kerbau mati terlilit, tercekik agaknya. Mak cerita orang tengah nak korek tanah & tanam anak kerbau. Hati sedih bertambah hiba pulak; terus kata kat mak nak telefon kemudian. Mana tau ternangis pulak nanti. Sambung perjalanan di tepi sungai, diiringi itik dan angsa yang mengharap sedikit habuan.

Sungai Soar

Itik tunggu makanan

Distraction

2011-10-09T23:23:00.002+08:00

I need distraction. Something to take me away from thinking about all the could-haves, should-haves, what-ifs and, most importantly, him.

And there are only so much you can do to distract yourself. Sooner or later the thoughts will come back, and you will have to go through the process of understanding the concept of fate and destiny again.

I just want him to know that I am not running away. I was just too slow to understand his need to be alone; even now I could not understand it fully. And now I am staying away, and praying that somehow, at some point in the future, our lives will cross each other, and even, if i dare to hope, entwine.

The wheels are in motion

2011-09-27T00:43:00.000+08:00

Today I cancelled an important booking for a supposedly important event; something I've been procrastinating on. One down, two more to go. Hoping that by the end of this exercise, God will grant me a clear mind and a bit of peace and tranquility, insyaAllah.

Hit

2011-09-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

Was surfing Facebook when I came across a photo of him. Was hit by a sudden realisation that, after all the angry words we exchanged with each other, I really am in love with him.

I am turning soppy.

Meaningful things

2011-09-20T00:55:00.002+08:00

Everybody has at least one. Be it a favourite shirt, an heirloom ring, the entrance ticket to the Louvre. Everybody has at least an item that they would consider as memorable, a piece of memorabilia never to be given to anybody else as it carries a significant story of that person's life.

Short of being a hoarder, I am that sort of person that collects those items. I keep meaningful ticket stubs - movie tickets, flight tickets, museum and zoo tickets... I keep bottles of perfume that were given to me as a present, workbooks from secondary school classes, novels that I couldn't put down when I read them.

Now I have a few items that perhaps have lost their purpose, but they carry so much meaning for me that they become a part of my life, and represent a story of me, a story that contains both joy and sorrow. To give them away would mean giving a part of me away, and deny myself that story, and I am not ready to do that. All I can do is pray that they regain their purpose again.

Air

2011-09-13T03:16:00.002+08:00

No more tears to shed. I am done being hopeful. Life goes on, and hopefully (ha!) wounds heal over time.

Until then, life will sound like this song:

What these past 2 months taught me

2011-09-13T02:57:00.002+08:00

I came back to Malaysia to avoid fasting in long summer days, as well as hoping that I would be a changed person by the time I'm back in the old Blighty.

I got both wishes.

I got to spend Ramadhan with family and friends. And I got to learn a bit more about me.

As much as I think myself as spontaneous, I realise that is not the case. I do plan, and I do want to stick to my plan.

As much as I think myself as someone with patience, I learn that impatience is one of my baneful vice.

So, yes, I got what I wished for. I think I am a different person from what I was two months ago.

I feel empty...

2011-08-29T22:31:00.001+08:00

...and I feel lost.

I love you, A...

2011-08-16T11:25:00.000+08:00

...and I miss you, more than words can say.

5th day

2011-08-15T06:19:00.002+08:00

I am still holding on. We are still not talking properly. I have too many thoughts in my mind. Too many maybes, too many what-ifs. To quote a friend, I'm in a 'checkmate' position - unable to decide anything.

One thing I can do - leave everything to God. May God help me.

Song du jour?

2011-08-15T00:47:00.000+08:00

Run To You

2006-11-23T18:18:00.000+08:00

Found this while surfing youtube: a clip waaaaaaaaay back from the time when Kevin Costner was the heartthrob of the moment.

Still think that men in white shirts are the sexiest.

Mr. Aku-jiwang-kat-kau-lah, this song is for you.

More than one way?

2006-11-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

Yup, jiwang again (naturally)...

I am confused. With all his barrage of questions, I can only think of one question to ask him: Why do you care?

Maybe I shouldn't be so cynical.

I am really out of my mind.

Jujur

2006-09-14T15:24:00.000+08:00

What is love?

2006-09-12T12:00:00.000+08:00

"Love is like the sunshine; no matter how tightly you shut down your heart, the sunlight will find a way to shine into it. Love’s process is unstoppable." Nurmuhemmet Yasin
"Love is a profound feeling of tender affection for or intense attraction to another. It is considered a deep, ineffable feeling shared in passionate or intimate interpersonal relationships." Wikipedia

Love can be calculated!

Aku rasa nak termuntah

2006-09-06T16:02:00.000+08:00

Pernah tak korang kusut sangat, sampai rasa nak termuntah? Ni bukan termuntah macam kena keracunan makanan tu; ni lebih kepada rasa nak muntah sebelum masuk dewan periksa masa SPM, atau sebelum nak cakap kat orang yang kita minat gila yang kita minat gila kat dia, atau sementara nak tunggu keputusan ujian HIV punya rasa nak muntah.

Aku tak tahu sangat kenapa aku rasa macam tu sekarang. Yang aku tau, aku dah ambik SPM lebih sepuluh tahun lepas (ops...); aku belum nak cakap kat orang yang aku minat yang aku minat gila kat dia, atau ambik ujian HIV.

Sedang dilanda tekanan kah aku? Mungkin.
Sedang menahan perasaan kah aku? Mungkin juga.

Atau mungkin juga aku dah kenyang sangat makan nasik lemak kat kopitiam tadi.

Perit

2006-09-06T00:17:00.000+08:00

It's hard to swallow things that are close to your heart, your soul and your body. Yesterday and today has been quite hard on me, I think. Nobody I can actually blame, though. Except stupid, heartless people, and that includes myself.
I'd been hit left, right and center. Yesterday was the start of everything. I thought I could hide my jealousy, but somehow I was not that good an actress I thought I was. So much for the professional, non-committal, more-or-less expressionless expression I thought I was trained well to put on. After all the years of trying not to give any visual cues to the patients and their parents (in much more ways than one), in the end, my heart and soul won. My emotions shone through my eyes like the beam used by Scotty to transport Spock or Capt. Kirk in Star Trek.
I was hit again today. By statements that were unfair, and not well-researched. Even the questions were quite unfair themselves. I admit I have not told those people the whole truth, but do I really need to?

Maybe I do....

Whatever it is,

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang t'lah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

(Kenangan Terindah - Samsons)

I am kusut...

2006-08-19T20:43:00.000+08:00

...and at the same time, I am happy.

Went out for that date. We went to Pan Pacific for the IDP Education Fair (skema kan?), and then to The Mall for lunch, and then to KLCC to watch Remp-It (yes, I like Zulhuzaimy enough to watch this film).

But we ended up not watching Remp-It - too many people and the tickets were sold out; it's cuti sekolah, after all. We ended up shopping for my cousin's wedding gift and a deep-fryer, and having coffee, and talking about nearly everything. And also tit-watching (somehow many of my guy friends feel comfortable enough to discuss other women's tits with me. I wonder why...).

So now I am kusut, but together with it comes that elated feeling, that euphoria, that feeling that makes you smile out of the blue. That feeling of knowing that you will remember this date for years to come.

OK, I'm making myself kusut again.

Got to go to Bangi and learn how to cook udang masak sambal petai from Nenek now. To ask Mak will only make her suspicious....

Milestones

2006-08-19T02:43:00.000+08:00

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments - Rose Kennedy

I passed another milestone today - I went out with a married man. This is not the case of Datuk K-Siti kind of relationship; I went out with a young(er) man who is also married. And neither is it a case of going out with your married old buddy from high school. This is different, and it is complicated.

It's complicated because I think I have a little bit of feeling for him. And it's difficult, because I can't show it, and I can't even hope on it. Sure you can give it just a little teeny weeny of hope, but trust me, you somehow know that there is 99% chance of you not making it into reality.

And what makes me kusut now is that I agreed to go out with him again tomorrow. C'est la vie...

Download, Upload

2006-07-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

I am happy. I found a bluetooth device lying on my brother's desk.

Now I have sooooooooooooooooooo many music files in my handphone. I'll have a spree choosing my ringtone after this.

I have Flybait's Kenangan Lalu, Art Fazil's Merindu Kepastian, Robbie Williams' Supreme, and Maya's and Wyclef Jean's Ghetto Superstar.

I think I'll download Siti's Cindai and Siti and Noraniza's Hati Kama.

To quote a favourite blogger: mak suka mak suka! *tepuk tangan*

i am feeling campy this morning

2006-07-14T12:42:00.001+08:00

Get Your Music Video Code Here | Pimp Your Profile

Get Your Music Video Code Here | Pimp Your Profile

* please switch off the song2play player on the bottom left side of this page, thanks

Kau mau pulang KK?

2006-07-12T17:01:00.000+08:00

hellooooo...
helloooo...di mana kau?
aku mau pigi potong seluar.
ada seluar baru lagikah? bila kau mau pulang kk?
ini malam. bapak suruh pulang.
aku sudah dapat gambar kau! aku jeles!!! kenapa rambut dia kusut???
ya kah? muka macam kartunis kan?
ya. pukul berapa kamu punya flight?
ini malam.
sampai bila kamu di kk? abisla kamu bapak suruh kamu kerja di kinarut. kalau nda pun di bangunan persekutuan. mesti bapak bawak kamu jumpa kawan-kawan dia. abis la kau.
ya, kerja di arkib nanti aku kan? muna mau pulang awal.
itulah. kalau aku pulang, aku naik teksi saja, kalau kamu semua pulang, semua mau kena ambil. muna sudah order handbag dari diorang kah?
belum, aku pun mau beli jugak. kau mau kongsi kah? bila kamu balik sini?
nanti hari jumaat. aku nda ada duit bah. aku nda mau kongsi sama kamu.
oklah. bye!
bye!

**********

Yup, I have nothing to tell today. This is the most interesting conversation that I've had today. I'm sure no one wants to know about inventory lists, timetables or the relationship between frequency and pitch.

My sister and my parents are going back to KK tonight. Everybody is jetting off to somewhere, except me. It's been 10 months since I've walked on Sabah earth (dramatic eh?), so I'm getting the KK-blues more frequently.

Time to look up the super saver fares by MAS. Heard that they have started to offer the discounted fares again, after a period of cancelling them.

Got to go, got to burn the calories from kuay teow seafood I ate for lunch.

Let me tell you how it feels...

2006-07-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

I saw him today. He's been asking me out, not as a date exactly, just for a drink or ice-cream, and I just can't refuse him this time around.

So we met. Him, me and my two loyal chaperones (one of them was JI). Just in case...

He still looks like the way he had always looked like when we were still dating. Maybe a bit rounder round the tummy, but that's all.

He still calls me Beey.

He still comments on my appearance ('that big bag makes you look older') and my habits ('she's always looking for her keys or her handphone') and his effect on me ('I make you want to go to the toilet').

And then he showed us his son. The son is a carbon-copy of the wife. I was stumped. I did manage to smile, and to let JI hold the baby first.

For a second, looking at JI holding the baby, my heart skipped a beat.

Then I got stumped again. Got stumped big time, baby.

And so I offered to hold the baby. And I was awashed with emotions.

Let me tell you how it feels...

I feel lost. I am lost. You win. No matter where I am now, what I've done, I lost to you.
I feel empty. I feel incomplete.
It feels like you're reaching for something, but you know that you'll never, ever going to get hold of it. And that something is staring at your face.
It feels like you want to smash everything to pieces, but your rational mind prevents you from doing it, and for you to follow your mind instead of your heart, it drains your energy.
I feel weak.

Now I know it is best not to see you again.

So tell me how you feel...

A formally arranged gathering...

2006-07-04T15:01:00.000+08:00

..otherwise known as 'meeting'.

It seems that I'm doing a lot of that these days. Some well-planned and informed well in advance; some done adhoc. Like the one that I'm supposed to attend in 30-minutes time.

To those concerned (read: Itot and Fathin), we have received the IDB funding. Now, don't jump with joy just yet (hey, that's a good phrase to use in Akademi Fantasia's drama class!); it is actually a good news with lots of strings attached to it. At least for me...

Let's see...we have the money, and we have to spend it within 3 years. The thing is, we are tied to buy the things that we have asked for. It's like going to Ikea with your boyfriend, and you get the small naked pencil (it does look naked, doesn't it?) and that small piece of paper, and you start writing down the pieces that you would love to buy, and then when you got married, somehow a long-lost uncle bestowed you a certain amount of money with the condition that you MUST buy all the things that you have listed. Now, it doesn't sound too bad, does it? The catch is - you are still living with your mother, and the only space that you can claim as your own is the 10'x10' bedroom that you and your husband sleep in.

Get my drift?

Ooops...3.15 already. Got to go!

Not a good start

2006-07-04T09:47:00.000+08:00

Have you ever come across a day where everything starts wrong? When your cat refuses to be outside because the stupid kucing entah sapa punya thinks that your cat is a nailfile and therefore can be used to sharpen her claws? And when you've finally reached your office, you realise that your PC is having one of it's latter-day-Watson Nyambek days and starts to run real slow?

I'm having one of those days.

My consolation is that I'll be in KL this evening, watching Disney Channel on my mom's 29" TV, eating home-cooked rice and lauk.

And book-browsing at Kinokuniya on a weekday. Plus cuci mata kat KLCC heheh...

And treating my sister to a nice meal, because she got me an autograph from Art Fazil *swoon*, and bought me a shirt from one of the European cities she visited recently. Secret Recipe if the shirt is so-so (e.g. H&M label), Sari Ratu if it's MNG- or Kookai-equivalent, Chili's if it's something from Moschino or the like. (Yes, I can be shallow sometimes.)

But first, I have to reply all these emails, schedule all these classes, justify the department's budget, rescue that makcik in distress, save the hawksbill turtle from extinction (telur penyu jenis ni sedap tau!) and promote world peace.

Daaa!

Meme, youyou

2006-07-03T17:38:00.000+08:00

It's 5.40 pm, and I'm still at the office. My 'things-to-do-today' plan (konon-konon plan la kan...hehe...) went haywire for unavoidable reasons. Since I'll be away from the office starting Wednesday, my bertanggungjawab-self feels I have to finish as much as possible work before I go to KL.

But all work and no play makes me a dull and angry girl, so I thought I'd do this meme. Copied it from some site given by google.

LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW:
Dewa - Pupus...kusut siot!

WHERE DO U WANT TO GO ON UR HONEYMOON?
Disneyworld Florida

WHO DID YOU LAST PHONE?
Official call: someone in UIA Gombak; personal call: me mom

WORST THING ABOUT OPPOSITE SEX?
They only want girls with big boobs

NIGHT OR DAY?
Day - it's when the shops are open

HAVE YOU EVER...........

LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY?
Alas, yes. He's not worth it, though....

BROKEN THE LAW?
Yes, at least once a week when I went over the speed-limit.

BROKEN A BONE?
No.

SKINNY DIPPED?
No, but I would like to...

PLAYED STRIP POKER
No, but I would like to, too....heheh

COME CLOSE TO DYING?
Alhamdulillah no. Unless you count the time I had a nervous breakdown and had difficulty breathing...I felt like I was floating when I reached the hospital...

BEEN IN A SAUNA?

Yes. Good for scrubbing off your daki...

SWAM IN THE OCEAN?
Yeah...

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE FOLLOWING:

SCARS?
They look hideous on women, sexy on men...

COUNTRY MUSIC?
The singers always look smug during the Grammy, don't they?

CLASSICAL
Is meant to be played full-volume

RAP
hahahahhaa...My days of rap are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over...

R'n'B:
Best listened during rainy, gloomy days

POP
should be taken with a pinch of salt...(what am I talking about??)

ROCK
Kapak is the best.

TECHNO
Reminds me of my teens; I used to buy the Techno-Classical music albums then....eeww..

SOAP OPERAS?
They are like Twisties, they do nothing to your health and yet they are addictive.

SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
No, I'd sneeze a lot if I do. Adults who still do that are trying hard to retain their remaining childhood cuteness, I think...

LIKE TO PARTY?
No, I'm a party-pooper

WOULD YOU .....

EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?
No.

GO TO A HANSON CONCERT IF YOU HAD A FREE TICKET?
Of course hahahahahahahahahaha

KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 BILLION DOLLARS?
And then get convicted and unable to spend all that money? No.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE MOTTO?
Hm....?

IF YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AND IT WOULD HURT THEM IF THEY FOUND OUT, WOULD YOU TELL THEM?
Only if he/she hurts me first...hahahahahahha...*evil laugh*

My Top Ten (Material) Wish List

2006-06-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

1. The Complete Calvin and Hobbes collection
2. Dress made by Rizalman Ibrahim
3. A treadmill (hahahaha...)
4. An ice-cream maker
5. A self portrait
6. A pair of LV shoes
7. Satin pyjamas
8. Bosch fridge
9. A complete collection of Search songs
10. Roberto Carlos' Brasil jersey

Jiwang

2006-06-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

Wise men say only fools rush in,
but I can't help falling in love with you....

Shall I stay? Would it be a sin
if I can't help falling in love with you?

Tiba-tiba rasa jiwang hari ni. Entah kenapa; sebab hujan kot. Tak pun sebab tadi pegi makan sorang-sorang kat Giant. Tak pun post-menstrual syndrome hahaha...Terasa kesepian la kononnya. Terus rasa rindu kat seseorang. Dan terpaksalah seseorang itu menerima SMS feeling-feeling rindu hahaha...pandai-pandai la dia; tak nak jawab pun takpe...Susah la rasa jiwang-jiwang ni...

Okey, kena sambung kerja. Tak boleh layan emosi lebih-lebih; tak pasal-pasal kena datang opis hari Ahad pulak nanti.

Hujan

2006-06-21T10:37:00.000+08:00

It's started to rain again in Kuantan. It rained heavily yesterday and cats and dogs early this morning, and now, a downpour again.

I'm still to gaining the momentum to do work, after 2 weeks spent sitting and listening to people's rantings (and nodding off now and then). My desk is a mess. Even my pigeonhole is a mess! Thank God my life is not a mess (yet..)..

We're supposed to train for futsal today, but it's cancelled (yay!). Should I go for a walk again? Maybe I should, at least I'll have a good sleep from all the tiredness...

My right arm is aching, and my right hand doesn't feel right (no pun intended). A bit worried now, hopefully it's just carpal tunnel syndrome. Should remind myself to book an appointment with the orthopaedic specialist tomorrow...

Yeah, I AM procrastinating. Maybe I'll make that call to that person tonight...We'll see...

Jangan diucap selamat tinggal kepadaku...

2006-06-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

...walaupun seketika
walaupun sekelip mata
simpan saja kata kata
ke akhir hayat yang ada...

I've been in KL for a week. Had to attend a course here for the whole of last week. Have to go for the second leg of the course again tomorrow and the day after.

So much has happened the past one week. So much that it has left me in hope, in fear and in confusion.

I'm still confused, so it's unfair for me to burden you with the tales now. I'll try to sort it as soon as possible. However, I'll leave you with one weighty question; a question whose answer I'm still searching hard for:

'Say you got to know someone 13 years ago, during your schooldays. And say that since leaving school, you have no contact whatsoever with this someone. Say this someone managed to get your phone number and called you. And during the second phone call that he made in 13 years, just a day after the first, he said that he liked you. He said that he liked you on those schooldays 13 years ago, and then lost you, and then found you again, and he's not going to lose you again. And he asked you whether or not you will accept him. What will your answer be?'

GBF ku...

2006-06-01T15:46:00.000+08:00

GBF telepon lagi pagi tadi. Tepat masa aku baru nak mandi. Harus pegi opis lambat lagi pagi ni...

GBF memang macam tu - telepon waktu orang baru nak bangun tido, waktu orang nak bukak puasa, waktu orang baru tersedar yang orang tak sembahyang Maghrib lagi (sebab tengok ShinChan, diikuti dengan Doraemon)...

Aku kenal GBF tahun 1997 kot...tak pun 1998. Takde lah dah lama sangat. Kitorang mula rapat masa kitorang pegi Pulau Perhentian. Pegi dengan anak dekan dia pulak tu. Pernah korang merasa dekan hantar ke stesen bas? Siap babai-babai kat pintu bas lagi.

Sejak tu lah GBF jadi tempat mengadu. Dialah jadi Cik Sri Siantan. Dialah yang aku telepon pukul 3 pagi kalau tak boleh tido. Dialah jadi proxy penerima bunga dan Winnie the Pooh dari sorang 'spare boyfriend', sebab aku tak nak kantoi dengan boifren masa tu.

Sekarang GBF kat luar negeri, tak lama lagi nak balik. Tak sabar tunggu GBF balik hahaha...nak ajak lepak kat Mosin TTDI tengok abang-abang Satria GTi, nak ajak pegi Galeri Petronas sambil berangan jumpa Aleksandr Petrovsky, dan nak ajak tengok marathon Sex and the City (season 1-6 at one go, huh?). Nak tunjuk kat dia macamana rupa Khairy Jamaluddin (yummy aku cakap kat ko...), nak bawak dia piknik kat Putrajaya waktu malam sambil tengok jambatan dan lampu (kena ajak mamat kayu sekali ok..), dan nak tunjuk kat dia supermarket kat Malaysia ni takde la ketinggalan - thyme, rosemary, basil, rocket leaves sume ada tau. Jangan nak kekwat dengan aku...

OK-lah, nak balik. Rasa kemalasan yang amat sangat hari ni.

Bulan dipagar bintang

2006-05-29T00:54:00.000+08:00

Malam bulan dipagar bintang

Makin indah jika dipandang

Bagai gadis beri senyuman

Pada bujang idaman

Belai kasih ingin dimanja

Dengan cumbuan mesra

Untuk pelipur lara

Penawar dik asmara

Mm .... mm .... mm .... mm ...

Malam bulan dipagar bintang

Tambah seri cuaca malam

Murni sungguh ciptaan Tuhan

Bulan bintang lampu alam

Andai kata bintang menyepi

Bulan tidak berseri

Malam menjadi sunyi

Tidak berseri lagi

Found this song in the computer at home. 'Bulan dipagar bintang' was sung by P. Ramlee and Saloma. The song was written by P. Ramlee and lyrics by S. Sudarmaji. And it's the song my ex-boyfriend used to frequently sing to me...

Yes, I do miss him sometimes. I miss talking to him, mostly. I think he understood me best. He understood me without me having to explain to him. I even thought that he was my soulmate.

But soulmates don't always end up together. Soulmates fight, soulmates leave each other. Or in my case, my soulmate found another person, a person who was able to make him feel as if he's struck with lightning (yes, soulmates tell each other nearly everything, even stories about the other person). So my soulmate left me, and become the soulmate to that other person. I guess we weren't soulmates, after all.

Maybe I'll meet my soulmate, sooner or later. Or maybe 'soulmates' is just a crappy, bulls**t concept.

Pandanglah lihatlah

2006-05-27T02:15:00.000+08:00

Tokoh-tokoh korporat....

Me and my siblings. The loves of my life. We are so different from each other, but somehow we share the same 'wavelength'. If we were five different cars in a parking space, a press of the button on one of the remote control thingy would unlock all our doors (yeah, pathetic analogy...can't think of a better one...).

May Allah forgive, protect and bless them.

(p/s: Note the authentic, un-plastic smiles on our faces? The photographer was so good, we were actually giggling throughout the shoot. His secret? He kept saying, 'Yah senyum...senyum nampak gigi..yah...senyum lagi...' with a chinese accent...)

All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl?

2006-05-26T10:27:00.000+08:00

Am going back to KL today (yay!). My sister called me two days ago, asking whether I'm driving back to KL for the weekend or not. She called again yesterday. Did not plan to go, initially, but was a bit tempted after those calls haha. Then last night my mom called. Said my dad is coming over to KL, and is going to Langkawi for a meeting middle of next week. And the rest of the family who is not committed (committed? heehee) to the rat race (well, not exactly a rat race, but it does feel that way) will tag along. So they'll need the family's most spacious car. Thus sealing my decision to go back to KL this weekend... Would love to join them in Langkawi, but I guess I have to do with KL. Maybe I'll visit Aquaria this Saturday, just to compensate for missing all the azure crystal-clear water they'll be bathing in (and jet skiing and banana-boating and snorkelling...). Aquaria should be enough 'play' for me :( ...

Argued the matter of 'rest and play' with one of my housemates last night. She took a day off yesterday. When I asked why (earlier in the day), she said she needs to go to the bank and pay the bills, and that she had not taken any leave recently.

So I, with my not-so-logical mind, told her it's easier with Maybank2U, but then she said she doesn't have the account. I said allright, and went on to do my work. And then it struck me that she's the kind who'll go to the office on Saturdays AND Sundays (and even on public holidays!), and work her ass off from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. (and sometimes later than that). I bet my finger* she'll do that this weekend. Me, I'd rather work my ass off (although I don't think I'm doing it right, as my ass is not getting any smaller) on a weekday, and get my rest on the weekends, when everybody is also getting their days off, and is least likely to call me up to ask on things concerning work.

Therefore, during dinner, I asked her:

'Are you going to the office this weekend?'

She said, 'Yes'.

'Why didn't you just work today, and do the things you needed to do on the weekend? I'd say it's easier that way.' (My below-average logic mind going on overdrive...)

'I can concentrate on my work on the weekend.'

'But then, what about those people who came looking for you and found that you are on leave? They'll be looking for you again next week, anyway. Might as well attend to them, and have the weekend for yourself. No need to go to the office on Saturdays or Sundays. Have it all over and done with on the weekdays.'

'The students are not around. They'll not be looking for me.'

'The people who are looking for your help are not necessarily students...' (I should have gone into legal practice/politics...)

'Why do people question me on when I'm taking my leave? Other people take their days off, too, but no one's questioning them!'

'Whatever. Take your leave. Take a week off, if you must; I don't care'.

Cue: two annoyed girls go into silence. One spectator, caught in the middle of the firing range, looks ill at ease.

* I bet my finger: My GBF has this saying 'Kerat jari aku kalau...' (roughly translated: 'I dare to cut my finger off if.....') when he wants to bet on things. Recently he wagered his finger on a bet with a friend, and the friend won. I asked him which finger will go, and he said he's exchanged the finger with a dinner at Nando's.

Jangan main mercun

2006-05-25T17:45:00.000+08:00

Husband orang dah takde SMS-SMS lagi dah. Takde lagi lah stok geli-geli. Best jugak bila ada stok geli-geli ni, tapi bak kata sorang kawan kat Segamat, "bayangkan kalau mak kita kat tempat wife dia". Terus tak jadi. Takut diri sendiri pun terberada di tempat yang sama. Orang putih pun kata, 'what goes around comes around'. Versi melayu nya: 1) Dunia ini ibarat roda, sekejap di atas, sekejap di bawah, atau 2) (versi bahasa pasar) Pusing-pusing, balik-balik kat situ jugak. Maaf lah takde peribahasa yang lebih klasik ala-ala Datuk Karam Singh Walia.

Banyak kekusutan lah hari ni. Ada satu dua yang selesai - e.g. cukai pendapatan, jadual kasar sapa nak ajar apa... Tapi ada BERLAMBAK lagi kekusutan yang menunggu untuk diselesaikan. Kalaulah kekusutan itu ibarat duit, mesti aku dah bawak Mercedes CLK sekarang. Paling cikai pun Honda Civic lah...

Tadi ada sorang rakan sekerja tanya, 'Tak cuti ke?'. Aku pun terbalas dengan 'Huh? Cuti?'. Katanya, 'Yelah dah hujung-hujung cuti semester ni orang ramai yang cuti jugak'. Aku terus terdiam. Terus teringat KK. Terus teringat janji pada diri sendiri nak balik Sabah masa cuti ni. Terus teringat aktiviti-aktiviti bawak mak pegi bank/KLCC/clubhouse/bayar bil dari pagi hari sampai petang hari. Atau paling cikai pun, aktiviti tukar-tukar channel Astro sambil kunyah Twisties. Lepas tu terus teringat surat-surat yang tak tertulis lagi, research proposal yang tak mula lagi, supervisor/pensyarah yang tak ditelefon lagi.... Semobile mana kita sebenar-benarnya?

Aku rindu dengan ke'bourgeois'an KK agaknya.

Playing with fire

2006-05-22T15:26:00.000+08:00

I'm playing with fire. I'm exchanging SMSes with someone's husband. One way to justify my actions is that I know him first; he was my high school classmate. Now I can quite understand why and how these things happen. The allure....my, my.... this is the grown-up version of breaking the school laws and regulation. The high is similar to the feelings you get when you wear the baju kurung sekolah with balcony bras and without camisole...

I should stop it now, shouldn't I?

I've caught the Blogthing fever again

2006-05-14T19:06:00.000+08:00

Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso

Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties
Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Your IQ Is 115

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced.
You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

2006-05-14T18:52:00.000+08:00

Your Career Type: Realistic

You are practical and mechanical.
Your talents lie in working with tools, mechanical or electrical drawings, machines, or animals.

You would make an excellent:

Carpenter - Diesel Mechanic - Electrician
Farmer - Fire Fighter - Flight Engineer
Forester - Locksmith - Locomotive Engineer
Pilot - Police Officer - Truck Driver

The worst career options for your are social careers, like social worker or teacher.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Mana 'audiologist'nya???

What do you do when you are not appreciated?

2006-03-30T11:04:00.000+08:00

You move on. You move. You move to another job, another state, another country.

Chatted with a colleague yesterday. Something that he said hurt me quite a lot. Reading his statement, I felt unwanted, unappreciated and obsolete. I felt like all the little contributions that I gave here is useless.

Should start looking for greener pastures, then. Why stay in dry, boring Kuantan, especially when one is not needed anymore?

Mari membaca

2006-03-24T11:42:00.000+08:00

Semalam pegi kedai buku Popular kat Megamall (Berjaya, bukan MidValley). Korek sana korek sini, jumpa la buku cerita yang macam OK, tapi murah... Tak pernah pulak jumpa buku cerita macam tu kat KL; diorang sorok kot, tak pun buku tu tak laku kat sini, jadi terpaksa la turunkan harga.
Pastu ingatkan nak cari set watercolour dengan berus dengan drawing paper sekali. Kononnya nak cuba-cuba buat lukisan la. Dalam nak pergi ke bahagian alatulis tu, ternampak sorang mat rempit pakai seluar pendek duduk tersandar kat satu rak buku.

Mat rempit tu nampak sangat selekeh...

Dia juga tengah membaca...

Biarpun dia baca komik, tapi dia membaca.

Gua respek lu brader!

Jemputlah...

2006-03-23T17:05:00.000+08:00

Bukan jemputan kawin haha... Ni nak menjemput ke blog saya yang lagi satu : http://kusutdanjiwang.blogs.friendster.com/

Macam Batman pulak, ada double life ye. Bercakap tentang Batman, kat Parkson ada jual cadar Batman yang menarik. Rasa macam nak beli hari tu (merasalah tidur dengan Batman...ooops...) tapi mahalnya...Bedsheet Queen Size pun dah dekat RM100. Baik la mengketedarah kat Secret Recipe macam tu.

Nak jemputan kawin, tunggulah 29 Februari tahun depan (2 minggu lepas Valentine's Day). Jangan lupa datang tau...

Batman: Jejaka Idaman

Sejuk-sejuk best tido...

2006-03-23T14:54:00.000+08:00

Ngantuknya rasa hari ni. Sanggup tak pegi makan tengahari; duduk kat bilik yang sejuk macam Cameron Highlands, sambungkan dua kerusi, pastu mengerekot tido... Bila terjaga, muka dah ada 'grooves' corak bunga-bunga sebab pipi himpit rantai tangan. Sedapnya tido... Kalau dah ngantuk kan, memana pun boleh...

Mak memang selalu kata, "Kau mana-mana je boleh terlelap". Antara tempat-tempat tido tidak konvensional yang pernah memberikan tidur yang lena ialah

Koc berkatil KTM - ambik yang double-decker tingkat atas. Lenanya tido... sampai konduktor kejut "Kuala Kangsar dik..Kuala Kangsar..." dua tiga kali, tak bangun-bangun jugak. Malunyaaaa!
Jeti belakang Hyatt Kinabalu - ni pengalaman yang tak dapat dilupakan. Masa tu tingkatan 4, baru balik rumah untuk cuti semester. Tak sampai sehari duduk rumah, ayah dah ajak pegi pulau. Sementara tunggu bot sampai, baring je la kat pangkin jeti tu. Rupa-rupanya tertido dekat sejam hahaha. Habisla orang ingat pendatang haram...
Katil kanvas, khemah Ekspedisi Sayap Kinabalu - mana tak lena, sepanjang hari naik bukit turun bukit. Tapi kalau dah tido dengan nyenyak dalam keadaan macam tu 9 malam berturut-turut, kira okay la kan....
Atas tikar - tempat lepak paling best kalau cuaca panas. Lagi best kalau ada aksesori bantal kekabu, majalah URTV & kucing untuk digentel sebelum terlelap.

Nak buat kerja lah; boleh balik cepat & sambung tido lagi...

Nama baru ku

2006-02-19T02:45:00.000+08:00

Blog ni dah tukar nama baru. Tak nak pakai "the unbearable lightness of being" lagi dah. Ada dua sebab; pertama, dah tak ada rasa ringan pun...makin berat ada lah; kedua, tema "A log of the life of a single female still on the right side of 30" dah tak boleh pakai lagi dah... Kalau pakai jugak, nanti orang kata tak sedar diri pulak.

Nama blog baru ni mungkin tak lah sesofistikated yang dulu. Yang dulu tu kononnya cilok dari tajuk buku yang kononnya penuh sastera (biarpun tak pernah dibaca). Yang ini lebih jujur agaknya - cerita-cerita kejiwangan dan kekusutan dalam pencarian seorang Mr. Right. Tapi taklah cerita jiwang semata-mata; bukan lah minah bunga sangat pun.

Bittersweet Symphony et al

2005-12-30T23:18:00.000+08:00

Beatles' Yesterday did not become a classic for no reason. There are something in the lyrics and the melody that we can relate to no matter when we hear the song. And for those who are not in the middle of regretting whatever he said to his girlfriend (re.: ...Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say...I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday...), the song is just too beautiful.
Some songs just make you feel good for no reason. Some will transport you back to the past. Some will evoke memories from the deepest part of your mind, reminding you of places, people, tears or joy.
I have a collection of songs that I know I will love forever. Songs that will make me smile, or cry. They are not necessarily a hit, or sung by someone famous. Neither must they be in Now That's What I Call Music Vol. XX. But I love them anyway. Here are some of them:

Suci Dalam Debu (Iklim) - reminds me of the 10 days I spent camping in Sayap, Kinabalu (if you look it up in the map, it IS in the middle of nowhere) in 1992. It was a Scientific Expedition, and a UKM lecturer sang this every night, accompanied by his guitar.
Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton) - Reminds me of a very good friend - he used to sing this to me, also accompanied by his guitar. He proposed to me, and I turned him down (badly, actually...). Now he's married with a kid, and I'm still single hahahahaha...
Bittersweet Symphony (The Verve) - I don't know why I love this one; I just love it. One of the most beautiful songs ever written, I guess.
Cancion Del Mariachi (Los Lobos and Antonio Banderas) - a song that can make me smile everytime
Suatu Masa (M. Nasir) - the song I wish I have written myself, and dedicated to the person I'm in love with. This one summarises my feelings completely. But, yeah, I'm not M. Nasir
She (Elvis Costello) - why oh why was not the song written as "He"?
Berita Kepada Kawan (Ebiet G. Ade & M. Nasir) - poetry
Merindu Kepastian (Art Fazil) - Melts me everytime. Andai esok aku menjadi tanah, sudikah engkau menjadi bunga menghiasi dadaku - wouldn't that be the most romantic proposal?
Semangat Yang Hilang (XPDC) - this one reminds me of my matriculation days. And also makes me feel patriotic. Wish it can be sung on Merdeka Day.
Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley/UB40) - the Elvis Presley version reminds me of my old, old piano in Kota Kinabalu. Had a UB40 cassette stuck in the radio of my first car, so I had to bear with it for about a year. The UB40 version will transport me instantly into that old green Volvo 240.
Sentuhan Listrikmu (M. Nasir) - I imagine the feeling I get from listening to this song is similar to the feeling I get from smoking weed. Not that I ever smoked weed...

There are more, but let's save them for next time.

Mungkin Nanti

2005-10-29T10:31:00.000+08:00

Saatnya ku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Nearly everybody has gone back to their respective homes. I'm still here in Kuantan, invigilating an exam, and trying to tie all the loose ends. Will be away for about 3 weeks, so I'm trying my very best not to leave anything in Kuantan.
There are a few things that should be left behind, though. My sadness, for one. This kusut jiwang feeling, for another. I'm trying to start anew with the coming Syawal. Wounds will heal, minds will forget, hearts will forgive...

To all my friends, I wish you selamat hari raya Aidil Fitri; maaf zahir batin. Halalkan apa-apa yang termakan dan terminum. Take care, and for those who will travel, have a safe journey.

I'll write again later.

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Probe right? Stimulus left? Contralateral? Ipsilateral???

2005-10-26T13:30:00.000+08:00

Am in the middle of marking the final exam papers. Need to take a rest - I'm getting confused myself. Met a lecturer who said, "I don't mind mining for answers" not so long ago; did she REALLY mean it? Mine are sort-of objective, fact-based questions - it's either you answer them right or you don't; and still I'm getting a headache...
Being on this side of academia makes me think - my lecturers must have had a field day laughing at my answers. Redundant sentences, messy handwriting, sketchy answers and diagrams...you name it, I did it. Not to add absences from class (I think I got barred from taking the exam once), fails and re-sits (twice, to be exact). It is a wonder... I'm sure I would feel like a hypocrite if I have to scold a student in the future hahahaha.

Empty

2005-10-25T16:18:00.000+08:00

Still feeling empty. Every smile, every laugh feels fake. Wonder if it shows through. I think I still walk by with a sour or, if you're lucky, an expressionless face. I am very sorry to those people who have to endure me; I'll try my best to regain the "old me". I don't know whether I am going through a grieving process; things were and are not that bad actually... But still, this feels like denial. Or it is acceptance?
He still calls to wake me up for sahur. Now and then, he buzzes me in the Yahoo Messenger. I'm taking it in a stride; I feel that if I tell him to stop doing them, it represents my weakness.
Anyway, I hope all my platelets are going to my heart, to patch up the big deep wound I have inside. Keep the enemies out. And let me fill it with some kind of feeling again.

The keys to my heart, the map to my soul

2005-10-25T13:45:00.000+08:00

Keji je last paragraph tu. Or am I subconciously like that? Do I fit anyone's specification? If you are rich, I'm still single hahahaha...(just joking; I'm not THAT materialistic).
Note the "cheating is zero" part...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hey, this is unfair!

2005-10-25T13:23:00.000+08:00

Am in a blogthing frenzy now. Should be checking my students' final exam answers actually, but being the easily distracted me....
Anyway, this one really hit the spot...

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Purple Rain

2005-10-25T12:04:00.000+08:00

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

State of Turmoil

2005-10-22T20:40:00.000+08:00

I have been in a state of chaos these last few days. So much has happened - tears, joys, confessions, confusion, heartbreak, tears again....(and not in that order). I felt like I've been put into a front-loading washing machine, and then wrung, and then put into a tumble-dryer. The same goes to my emotions.
Anyway, I've taken a leave; and added to the holidays for Pahang, I get to stay in KL for about 5 days. A much-needed break from it all. But I think I can still feel the effects of that particular week have on me. I feel numb, I feel like I've lost my power of speech, my power of writing. God help me...

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

Merdeka Day 2005

2005-09-01T17:35:00.000+08:00

I cannot say that I spent my Merdeka Day holiday patriotically. No flag, no singing of Negaraku, and no reflecting back to what our elders had fought for, either.

Merdeka Day used to be a "small reunion" day for me and my secondary school classmates. We'd take the LRT or KTM Komuter, alight at the stations near to Sogo, gather at the junction between Pertama Complex's The Ship and Sogo, and watch the Merdeka Day procession. The biggest clap would go to our former school's brass band. Afterwards we'd catch the band while they're waiting for the school bus to pick them up, and play the instruments.

Then we'd take a bus (at first it was the Bas Mini Wilayah, and after the BMW service ended, it was Intrakota) to either Bukit Bintang Plaza or The Mall. KLCC was still being built then (and causing traffic jams hahaha...). We'd go to Pizza Hut, and then catch a movie. I remember once we went to watch Sembilu in this old cinema along Jalan Bukit Bintang. Hmmm...I'm starting to sound like a minah rempit.

Anyway, this year I spent the Merdeka Day in Kuantan. Went to have nasik lemak at Zaman's quite early in the morning with several friends, driven in a green Perodua Rusa, no less. Then we went to Teluk Cempedak, ate ice cream and bought a box of motor oil and additives (hmmm...).

In summary, no matter where I spend my Merdeka Day, I still sound like a minah rempit....

Menanti Sebuah Jawaban...(soalan exam ke?)

2005-08-26T09:50:00.000+08:00

In the mood for Indo-Brit-pop right now. Am listening to the likes of Padi and Dewa and Coldplay and Keane and Rischard Ashcroft, while trying to come up with mid-semester exam questions for the students. Guess the students have to be prepared for questions that are tinged with sadness, frustrations, hope and unrequited love hahahahhaha.....

MENANTI SEBUAH JAWABAN
Padi

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu

Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

Chorus:

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yg terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

It's a jiwang, jiwang day...

2005-08-24T12:36:00.000+08:00

I have been blogging in my Friendster blog for while, and have been neglecting this precious blog. But I need to get away from my students who are in my Friendster list, just in case I blabbed things that are too personal for them to know.

Anyway, it's a very cold day. The air-conditioning FINALLY works. And it rained cats and dogs yesterday. I guess that's the reason Kuantan is not as oven-hot as usual today.

Have time to sit back a bit (at last!). My hands were full since last week - Convest, lectures, rescheduling of classes etc.

So, little work + cold weather = jiwang. Have been listening to the rhapsodic songs by Dewa and Padi. Got me into believing that I might be falling in love with someone. Am I really? Could he be the one?

To tell you the truth, I don't how it feels like anymore, falling in love. Jiwang, yes. In love, not really. Whatever it is, I know I can't wait to get to the office every morning. I HAVE to see him. I HAVE to see his smile. I HAVE to hear his voice. I can't wait to buzz him on Yahoo! Messenger. I have to listen to the songs he's been forwarding me. And I keep on pondering and analysing and musing and contemplating over the lyrics, just in case he is trying to say something to me.

God help me.

Significant Events of Our Lives

2005-05-26T13:43:00.000+08:00

Sorry I haven't been blogging for so long. It was really flattering to know that at least one reader missed the blog (thanks OuiOui). There was so much going on this month (which actually had started since last month); significant events that changed the lives of some of the people around me, and thus maybe had indirectly changed my life, too.

I have been meaning to write about two of my close friends. One, I have written about previously, that is my Assistant Director - RZA - the one who introduced me to Virtua Cop. The other is Nini, my housemate.

It started with Nini first. Her father had a stroke one afternoon. He collapsed at a coffee shop in Sabak Bernam, thankfully in front of his friends, one a paramedic. They sent him to the hospital nearby immediately, and was told that he had to be admitted to the CICU as soon as possible. The nearest available was in Kelang, but unfortunately the ward was full. So they had to rush him to Ipoh instead.

Nini got to know about the incident that evening, and sadly, I was away on a seminar in Gombak. I could not imagine how she felt then, as it was too late to take a bus or even a flight back to KL.

Later she would learn that her dad will suffer from paraplegia, and had to be fed milk through a tube. The doctors allowed him to go home after spending a few days at the Ipoh hospital.

Then another bad news came up.

Last month, RZA's fiancee was diagnosed with leukemia. It started with her having stomachaches. I still remember the weekend the stomachaches got worse; RZA and I were due to drive back to Kuantan that Sunday night. RZA told me he was going to be late. When we finally met at the Burger King joint just before the Karak Highway, he told me that his fiancee Y had gotten worse so he had to send her to her aunt's house. A few days after that, RZA was told that Y was admitted to the hospital. He went to visit her the next day, and that evening he texted me that the doctors suspected leukemia. The diagnosis came on a Thursday - he came to my room crying. We (RZA, my HOD (yes, that HOD, OuiOui ;) ) and I) drove straight away to KL. She started chemotherapy almost immediately, and RZA visited and stayed with her without fail and as much as possible whenever he could. They were due to get married on the 22 of May, and even after the diagnosis, they stuck with the plan.

But who are we to meddle with God's plans? Malays have a saying "jodoh dan ajal di tangan tuhan", Nini's dad passed away just before she made a move to drive back to kuantan (and picking me and another colleague up on the way). The colleague and I went to visit her that night, and although she was in grief, she seemed to have accepted the loss.

That was on the second Sunday of May. On the following Wednesday morning, I received a call from RZA's twin, asking me where I, and RZA were. I said I had just arrived at the office, and I hadn't seen RZA yet; why? He told me that Y passed away that morning. I did not believe him at first, with his detached tone of voice. But he was not joking; he told me to seek RZA, and tell him that he'd be picking RZA up from Kuantan. I rushed to RZA's house, to see him sitting next to the drain, already in tears. So we (RZA, HOD, RZA's housemate and I) drove again to KL. He was crying all the way. Went to the morgue in HKL, and her body was already prepared for the burial.

It was truly a sad experience for me. Two deaths in less in one week. But I'm sure what my two friends felt were much more profound than mine. My condolence to my friends and Al-Fatihah to both Allahyarham.

Maternity leave, zits and handsome men

2005-04-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the absence of updates (as if people are dying for them! hahahahah...). Am in the middle of an induction-like course right now. Get to learn about how many days of paid and unpaid maternity leave I'm entitled to (60 paid, 90 unpaid), and how many absences my students are "entitled" to until they get barred from sitting for the exams (20% of the class). The Gombak part of the course ended today; will continue in Melaka tomorrow afternoon. So I took the opportunity to laze about in the comfort and warmth of my own home...
OK-lah, need to shower, and then eat dinner. Zits are beginning to appear as I have been quite negligent in adhering to my sort-of-beauty-regime lately.

And before I forget, here's another piece of useless information - through my observation, there is a higher concentration of good-looking Malay men in the compound of a particular university in Gombak compared to any other area of the same extent in KL ;)...

The day I made a girl cry

2005-04-02T14:39:00.000+08:00

Am in KL now. Managed to drive from Kuantan to TTDI in exactly 2 1/2 hours yesterday morning hahaha...I wonder if I (or my mom, as the car is registered under her name) will get a "love letter" aka summons soon. Reached home at 1.30, had a lunch of Mak's daging rusa masak kicap (venison with soy sauce) and rice (really sorry for this, OuiOui...nanti you sampai KL I masakkan untuk you okay?). After feeding MSG-laden gerai food for nearly a month, it was like a meal from paradise.

Then I went off to chaperone 9 audiologists-in-training who went for a visit to Sunway Medical Center. There was a funny (at least retrospectively) story behind me accompanying the students for the visit.

I was not supposed to escort the students; it was another person's task. But she had to go to some course in Gombak, and at the last minute the students were left to find a replacement. I, being one of the very few who were available (read: single, readily mobile, no pressing commitments, can drop nearly everything quite instantly), became a target. As soon as I heard "Sis Petai (not that they really call me that), are you free tomorrow?", I knew....

Hmm...Can't give in too easily, have to make them toil and sweat to get me, said my inner demon. "Why?" I asked.

They explained that they need an escort and they couldn't find anyone else as nearly everybody is going for the course tomorrow and Sis X was not suitable as she has a family and Brother Y had to attend to some personal matters bla bla bla.... "Boleh tak, sister?" they pleaded.

My inner demon become more evil. I lectured them for not preparing well and not telling me earlier. My own student, Syida (the others are the students of other programmes under the faculty), went on to beg and plead. I told them that I, too, had to go to a course in Gombak (true, but it starts on Monday), and I have other things to do here in Kuantan (quite true), and I can't just drop everything and leave (hmmmmm....well...).

I said "why don't you go by yourselves, be independent bla bla bla...". Brother Y and my housemate N, who were also there, kept quiet. Syida begged again. I said OK, but if something comes up tomorrow, I'll let you know, and you may have to go by yourselves. Don't do this again, okay? *mock-/faux-displeased expression*...

She nodded and stared at the floor. Then she said thank you without looking up and immediately headed for the door. I sensed that something was wrong, so I followed her. There she was, squatting with her hands covering her face.

"So sorry sister, it's my fault. So sorry for all this trouble", she said with a cracked voice. And then she broke into a cry; sobs, red eyes and all....

I panicked and I tried to console her. Said sorry over and over again whilst hugging her. Even that did not soothe her. So I took her to an empty room and asked her what's wrong.

It turned out that she had other problems. She hadn't enough time to settle them due to the final exams. And then she was told to find a chaperone for the Audiology student. She felt that it needed the most attention, but it took longer than she anticipated for it to settle. Oh no...what have I done? I felt terrible and guilty as hell.

She cried and poured her heart out for a good 15 minutes. By the time I left her to calm herself, she was still sobbing quietly.

Met her again on the day of the visit, and she looked brighter than the day before. At the end of the visit she informed me that her sister is picking her up from Sunway, and she may not see me till the semester opens in another 3 months. She hugged me and apologised for all the trouble, and said thanks again. With a lump in my throat, I said sorry, have a happy holiday, and take care. Ah well...There's always a first time for everything.

MUST SEE!

2005-03-23T08:56:00.000+08:00

See this, it will cheer you up no matter how depressed you are ;) -

http://azuaneman.fivio.net/numanuma.wmv

Nobody Knows

2005-03-21T18:11:00.000+08:00

A song best describe my jiwangness right now

By: The Tony Rich Project

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night as if I thought
You'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow mornin' I'm hitting the dusty road
Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart and hope you come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely...
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad And I just keep thinkin' about The love that we had And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Sleepless in Taman Tun

2005-03-20T18:40:00.000+08:00

It's already 2.18 am local time now. I think it's already past my bedtime, and waaaaaaaaay past that critical period during which you have the signs and symptoms of falling asleep. Right now I'm feeling hungry instead, and there's nothing I can munch without having to cook. This is the time you wish you have a packet of Cheezels or Twisties around. Gulai udang is not as appetising as it was 6 hours ago, and neither are sardines in tomato sauce (both being the leftovers from dinner). There are unfried french fries in the freezer, and the ice-cream has that opaque layer on top that I think happened when the fat separates from the other ingredients.

Maybe I should stop typing and go to sleep now, before you readers be too well-versed on the contents of my refrigerator. Selamat malam, good night, bon nuit, buona notte, laila tiaba.....

New computer :)

2005-03-18T07:35:00.000+08:00

I received a new computer for office use yesterday. All this while I have been using my own laptop.
It's an NEC with 17" monitor, speakers, the usual keyboard and non-optical mouse and 40 GB memory. Now I'm in the process of transferring my files from the laptop to the new PC. No hi-tech antics, just the cut-and-paste-and-save-and-cut-and-paste-again, using the thumbdrive. Quite tiring, actually. But I get to know where my interests lie - all folders and files concerning work took only one trip; music files took 3 (and still counting haha...).

Man Trader

2005-03-16T07:00:00.000+08:00

Have you ever read Motor Trader? Wouldn't it be great to have a magazine called Man Trader, too? Conde Nast or Karangkraf should have a look into this niche. With more and more single girls having trouble looking for partners, I think the market would be great.

My (newly-single-and-looking-again) friend, FF and I had a brainstorm on how we can categorise the men: Location, Age (not a good idea...), Income (worse than Age), Height (will cause discrimination towards the stature-challenged) or Zodiac (sounds good). Each advertisement will have the picture of the man and will state his job, age, marital status, location and interests.

Maybe FF and I can be the founders of this magazine. We will surely beat Cleo and Eh! in sales heehee....

A story for working children

2005-03-11T05:20:00.000+08:00

This is a story for children (not the young-and-small-person sort of children, but the son/daughter kind).

I regularly go to the hospital every Mondays to Wednesdays to provide audiological services. Because it is a goverment hospital, I see people from all walks of life with all sorts of behaviour and manner. Many are very humble, others can be proud and arrogant.

But yesterday I encountered a humbling experience. A pakcik came to the clinic for hearing aid counselling and advice. He gladly agreed to be fitted with a new hearing aid as the one he has now is already 10 years old. While taking the impression of his ear, we talked about mundane things; my hometown, how long have I been living and working in Kuantan, etc.. Then came an unusual question:

"Mak awak ada lagi ke? (Is your mother still alive?)" he asked.

I said yes.

"Bagi duit kat mak tak? (Do you give money to her?)"

I said yes.

And then he launched a lecture: Don't ever forget to give money (ie. a part of your salary) to your mother every month. Never mind the dad (sorry to all dads out there), he can fend for himself. But don't ever forget your mom, she raised you; it doesn't matter if it's only RM5, just that she knows that you remember her. Before you put food into your mouth (that was the exact translation of his words), give her some money. If not, you will not feel comfortable sleeping at night. It's for her berkat...

I laughed.

Don't laugh, this is serious, he said. I kept on laughing, even though tears started to well in my eyes.

Remember that, he said.

Before he went, he apologised if what he said hurt my feelings. I said it was okay, what he said is true.

And I only had bread for lunch - I lost my appetite as I have yet given my mom anything this month....

KL, here I come!

2005-03-05T02:27:00.000+08:00

Am going back to KL this evening, after work. YAY! I hope today will be a good day for driving long-distance. Rain, rain, go away; come again some other day....

I have been up to here (cue: nose) doing Kulliyyah- and department- related work. There's the never-ending development work - we were granted a complex of buildings not originally designed for us, so we had to 'modify' them to our specifications; and there's the am-I-doing-this-right? course outline.

And I should hand in the course outline by this afternoon, so gtg and finish my work! See ya!

Rookie Cop

2005-02-27T03:05:00.000+08:00

My Assistant Director took me to a games arcade last night. Yes, you read them right: Assistant Director and games arcade...
First, he played Indy 500 and told me to watch and learn. The other seats were empty when he started, but they filled up quite fast and I didn't have the chance to put what I learnt into action. After the third attempt at "Advanced" level and "Manual" transmission, he got the 4th place. Satisfied with his "achievement", he then took me to Virtua Cop. "You cover for me", he said. With my handphone in my back pocket and my purse under my arm, I took my place. As I had played this game before, I was quite familiar with the shooting-reloading process. Aiming the gun right, I was not so sure...

So we begun shooting criminals. The bad people tend to wear dark clothes, and the good people tend to wear lab coats...(Probably they were trying to rob a pharmacy or a research center.)

One down, two down, three....more and more criminals got killed by us.

Then a scientist/doctor wearing a pristine white lab coat came into my view.

"Help me!", he shouted.

Bang! One innocent scientist/doctor down...MISS ONE LIFE! appeared on the screen.

It happened a few times. I killed at least three civilians by the time the game was over. By the third game, the innocent (bystanders?) killed by me went down to one. My accuracy was 18%. And I was awarded Rookie Cop. My AD was an Average Cop with an accuracy of about 60% hahaha... So much for covering for him.

Shtty Evening, Shtty Morning, Sh*tty Week

2005-02-25T12:39:00.000+08:00

I just need to get this of my system. I'm putting this into my blog because I have to remember this. I will shelf it if I want to, later; but now, this is like a reference.

The latter half of the week had been a sh*tty period for two of my friends. Both cases involved persons with foul mouths and empty heads. One of them is a sad loser, and I think he can't stand being dumped by a girl. He started sending abusive messages to my friend, and then to me. My friend begged me not to retaliate, as he would send more abuses to her. I wish I could do something, but I was worried about my friend. Ah well, there's still a lot of time...I don't forget easily...I will get my revenge...

Rock Kapak?

2005-02-22T14:21:00.000+08:00

This was brought to my attention by a close friend recently - almost all Malay slow rock songs have the same rhythm, except the ones written by M. Nasir. That is, if you hear the percussions (usually drums and cymbals) of those songs closely, they have the same beat - thump, dup...thump dup dup..thump, dup...thump dup dup..., and that makes the songs boring and sound similar to each other.

I love that kind of songs - they bring sentimentality without being too sugary - and so I begged to differ.

He still stood by his opinion and so we did a small survey; we listened to a few of what you'll call rock kapak songs in my car. First we listened to Hattan's Memburu Rindu. Strike one for him. Next was Hattan's Mahligai Syahdu, strike two. Maybe it's just Hattan. Spider could not be included in the sample as their songs are not that kapak. So I looked for my Koleksi Lagu-lagu Rock 90-an, but alas, it was missing.

To be fair, I continued the survey today and listened to Wings, Gersang, May and Search (I am an avid fan of rock kapak). And yes, i have to agree, they do have the same rhythm. But that's just one aspect of the song. You still have the melody, and you still have the lyrics. After all, what's a waltz if not for the dum-chak-chak beat?

..And this is my second post...

2005-02-22T10:34:00.000+08:00

It has been nearly 10 months since I last logged in a post (which is also my first). So much has happened - I'm not an unemployed graduate anymore, I've relocated to Kuantan, I've found new friends...But I'm still single.
I've been working and living in Kuantan for 6 months. Time does fly; I can still remember my first day (or more appropriately, night) here. I took the flight because I had to report to the office the next day, and I just came back from Manchester a day before that. Talk about being a jet set...But I can't say I'm a true Kuantan person yet, I still drive or hitch a ride back to KL nearly every weekend to get my weekly dose of cosmopolitan life (that translates to traffic jams, crowded shopping malls, let's-go-out-for-lunch Saturdays and Sunday breakfasts of nasik lemak Nenek Miman....)

2004-04-13T21:58:00.000+08:00

Today is my first day of posting. Nothing special...